When I was pregnant, I was not prepared for the overwhelming amount of advice I received from everyone. At the grocery store, on a walk through the neighborhood, at events, at work. I loved that parenthood gave me a common ground with so many people. I appreciated the smiles and looks of understanding. But as a people pleaser, all the advice was often just too much. There were so many contradictions, too many strong opinions, and it put pressure on me as a new mom to live up to the expectations. I did hear a lot of outstanding advice that made a tremendous difference in my first year as a mom. But looking back at my first few months as a new mom, I wish I had received more advice that took away the pressure of being perfect. Not add to this pressure. Here are 11 things that I wish I had been told during those first few months as a new mom.
1. Ignore the “Rules” of Motherhood
I am talking about all those “rules” that are stated as fact, but are actually opinion. Don’t feed your baby to sleep. Begin with rice cereal when you start solids. Your baby should crawl before they walk. Don’t pick up your baby when they are crying. It’s best to breastfeed for 12 months. All of these statements ignore the fact that every baby is unique. And every mom is unique.
At first I tried to do everything right and play by the rules I kept reading about and hearing about. But life with these rules was such a struggle. As soon as I started trusting my own instincts and responding to my baby’s cues and my own needs, everything became so much easier.
For example, everyone told me “don’t feed your baby to sleep.” And I tried. But my little girl liked to be fed to sleep and I liked feeding her to sleep. So I finally gave up. And it turns out all that struggling was pointless because she now falls asleep just fine on her own.
2. There is More Than One Path
It’s hard to remember that what works for another mom may not be what’s best for you.
Or what you think is the best path may not always be the best path.
Schedules and plans are very important to me. I made all my baby schedules for each age, had a master plan for how I would feed my baby until 12 months, knew when I would go back to work. I had the perfect plan all figured out.
Well, then I met my baby and I went through my own postpartum journey. When I tried to stick to the original plan, it didn’t work. I also didn’t realize that my new identity as a mom would put me on an unexpected path, a path I resisted for far too long so I could stick to my original plan.
Motherhood is a time to be flexible. Remind yourself that there is more than one right path you can take.
3. Self-Care is Your First Priority as a New Mom
One of the most common pieces of advice I received was to sleep when the baby sleeps, which is great advice (that I was terrible about taking). But I wish I had been very clearly told to prioritize self-care in general. Whether that meant sleeping while the baby sleeps or something else.
In that first year of motherhood, I often felt like my emotional and physical wellbeing didn’t really matter. At least not as much as my responsibilities as a mom. I was asked so many questions during that first year as a mom. Are you loving every moment and enjoying the snuggles because time goes so fast? Are you doing tummy time with baby? How often do you feed her and are you pumping enough to keep up your milk supply? How big is your baby? Very few people asked how I am feeling, how the transition to motherhood had been, what was I doing to take care of myself.
I think this led me to believe it really is all about my baby and my own mental and physical health was not something that needed time and attention. It took me far too long to prioritize self-care, which was a mistake.
You can’t care for a tiny person if you don’t care for yourself first. Think of a few things that you can do for self-care – yoga, take a bath, go on a walk, go shopping alone, read, watch TV, sleep – and make those things a priority. Put self-care on your calendar or your partner’s calendar.
Sometimes, alone time isn’t an option. In that case, do something with your baby (yoga and walks with my baby were my favorite), but keep the focus of the activity on your mental health. If laundry is piling up, the sink is full of dishes, and you haven’t vacuumed in a month, it’s okay. Let some things go. Motherhood is hard and self-care should be your top priority.
4. It’s Okay if You Don’t Enjoy Every Moment
This was the advice I got the most. “Enjoy every second!” Honestly, I gave this advice to new moms before becoming a mom myself. I thought that’s just what you’re supposed to say. Well, I now think there is a lot of pressure with that statement.
I love my daughter more than anything and treasure my time with her, but do I enjoy every second? No. Do I love stumbling around changing dirty diapers at 2am? Nope. Do I enjoy when she won’t eat and screams for an hour? Absolutely not. But all the pressure to enjoy every second made me feel like there was something wrong with me when I didn’t enjoy every single moment of motherhood.
I have since learned that others feel the same way, but I wish I knew during those first few months that motherhood is hard and it’s ok to not enjoy it sometimes.
5. Many People Didn’t Actually Take Their Own Advice
So many people gave me advice that I really took to heart. I didn’t question it because they had been through it, right? Didn’t they know better than me? I felt like if someone else did something for their baby and thought it was important, then I needed to do the same. My baby deserved the best.
Well, the funny thing was, I found out a lot of people never did the things they were advising me to do. Like making all homemade baby food or breastfeeding for 12 months. Because it was too difficult.
6. Advocate For What You Need
I was often told to ask for help. But I wish this was rephrased to “advocate for what you need”. Sometimes, I didn’t want help, I just wanted someone to listen. Or I needed help, but not the help that was being offered in that moment (usually offers to hold my baby).
If you want two unplugged weeks with your family and no extra help, advocate for that. Or maybe you need healthy prepared meals, your favorite take out, groceries picked up, your driveway shoveled, someone to watch the baby monitor while you take a nap. When people ask if they can help, it’s ok to be specific. Or tell someone you’re close to exactly what you need and let them delegate to everyone else.
Asking for help is really really hard. Being specific when asking for help is even harder. And people do not always respond how you hope they will. But it’s important to advocate for yourself as a new mom. Becoming a mom is not easy and you won’t know exactly what you need until you are living this new role. But it’s not about what others want to help with, it’s about what you actually need.
7. Surround Yourself With a Supportive Team
Being a first time mom is overwhelming and it can be very helpful to learn from others’ experiences. But know who is on your team. This includes family, coworkers, friends, blogs, social media, podcasts, books, and medical professionals. Your team can be big or small. Identify the people and sources you trust and tune out the rest.
Also, don’t be afraid to add to or subtract from this team. Every single member of your support team should make you feel capable, empowered, and the boss of your own baby and body.
If you are constantly being bombarded with unwelcome advice, come up with a polite, yet firm, response that you use each time advice is offered. “Thank you for sharing your experience with me! I can’t wait to see what my own journey brings.”
Also, reach out and find friends that understand and value your experience. It’s invaluable to have people in your life who get it, who are honest about the struggles of motherhood, and who can give you a much-needed adult conversation.
8. If Your Baby is Loved and Fed, Everything Else is Extra
Social media is the worst for new moms. Are you doing enough tummy time? This product is a must have for your baby to be happy. Make sure you are doing this every day. You have to try this newborn routine. It goes on and on. And when you are sleep deprived and emotional and trying your best, these are not the messages you need.
I wish there was more emphasis on just snuggling and loving your baby. And on keeping them fed and clean. That’s it! The other stuff is great too, but it’s extra. Looking back at those first few months with a newborn, I realize how much all these messages and articles got in the way of my confidence and happiness as a mom. All my baby really needed was love, snuggles, sleep, and food.
9. Babies Constantly Change, and Then Change Back
My baby started sleeping through the night around 2-3 months old and I was thrilled. I finally get to sleep! Well, I didn’t know that most things in baby world are temporary.
Every month or so she would go through phases of waking up all night long, then go back to sleeping 11 hours straight. At 8 months old there was a 2 week period when she woke up more than she did as a newborn. I was exhausted and so confused. Shouldn’t she be sleeping?
I wish I had not spent so much time reading about what is “normal” for babies at each age, and expecting my experience to be the same. She would start rolling over, then take a week off. She would say mama, then stop. When I stopped worrying and accepted that my little girl is going through all these great, big, often unpredictable changes, it helped.
10. Your Identity Will Change, and That’s Okay
This one rocked my world. I had no idea that becoming a mom would have such an enormous impact on my identity. Honestly, every area of my life was impacted by becoming a mother. My interests, hobbies, relationships, style, priorities, job, routines. Everything changed in a way I wasn’t expecting. And I was not at all prepared for this shift. For far too long, I clung to who I was pre-baby rather than embracing my new self.
I would recommend this book or speaking with a therapist if you are looking for extra guidance in this identify shift.
11. Cut Yourself Some Slack
Motherhood is HARD. Absolutely wonderful, but hard. Seriously, being a mom and having your whole life change is incredibly challenging. Try to ignore all the images of the “perfect mom” (there is no such thing) and don’t worry about doing everything “right”.
All that pressure makes motherhood even more exhausting. Let things go. Put yourself first. The most important thing is to know you are doing a great job. Tell yourself this every day – you’re doing a great job.
What do you wish you had known as a first-time mom? Share in comments!
P.S. 5 essential postpartum resources to prioritize self-care and my 15 favorite newborn essentials.
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